Barb's Burblings

"There are people out there

"There are people out there unafraid of revealing
That they might have a feeling
Or they might have been wrong
There are people out there unafraid to feel sorrow
Unafraid of tomorrow
Unafraid to be weak...
Unafraid to be strong"
-Ragtime

I keep getting drawn back to Becca's blog, and her question about whether one should totally go for their dreams. And I don't know what I think. I mean, you look at it and go, "Definitely go for your dreams." But I think, "Evaluate it first." Or, "That depends on what exactly you're talking about." Maybe it's just that I don't know that I have dreams. Well, ones that I could pursue like that. I mean, I'd like to visit Russia, but that's hardly an all-consuming passion.

I'd like to get married. Yeah, I guess that's a dream, but there are inherent problems with it. Namely, I can't even get a date, but less a boyfriend, who could then become a fiance and a husband. I don't know how to meet people. In college it was so easy. Out here...not so much.

I'm too sensible. Complacent. Unflappable. Staid. I like my life, but I want change. I'm not unhappy by any means, but I don't know that I'm happy. I'm too laidback and easygoing. I rely too much on thoughts; I don't act enough on feelings. I enjoy living through books and movies too much. I fear change. I fear rejection and being hurt. I fear being left alone. I fear people forgetting about me, neglecting me, ignoring me. I fear the unknown. And I look back on my time abroad and it just seems to confirm a lot of the bad things I feel about myself. That I'm too shy. That people aren't interested in me. That I'm boring.

I know I'm not. I have a group of friends that I love dearly and presumably they like me, too. But it takes too long for me to make friends. And I don't know.

I don't know.